It is. The book Marco has…the one that describes you and your personality based on month and day of birth. It fits me perfectly.
It said my strengths were that I’m entertaining and humerous, and that my weakness is being oblivious to things happening around me. Actually, I asked him if that was true, and he said yeah, that I kind of don’t notice things very well. He also said it fits me, that I’m really funny and silly most of the time, and I found that to be true, I guess. I’ve stopped being so shy, and started talking to people, and I like this new me, I guess. Although the book did say something about how underneath all the happy, peppy me, I hide my sadness and anger.
I nearly wanted to cry when I read that.
It’s true, I mean, I do put the happiness of others before mine, and I don’t like it when people are sad on account of me. And when they are, I always wonder…is it because I’m a bad friend? Did I do something wrong to provoke them? And it always leaves me wondering such terrible things about myself…am I too self-centered? What can I do to make myself better for this person? Was I talking too much again?
And this happened again, later that day in seventh period, when Felicia started crying. I asked her if she was okay, since she was fine just a moment ago, but she didn’t answer me. I asked if she needed any help or if she needed to talk, but she just sat there red-faced, eyes watery. I told her that she knows she can tell me anything, since we’ve been friends for nearly seven years. Then she got up and ran to the locker rooms. I decided that if she wanted to talk to me, she would’ve, and didn’t go after her. Basically I ignored it, and when my team had to play a match we got up there and played, of course. I was so distracted that I didn’t play as well as I did before, although I did spike the ball so hard that when it hit the team’s ground, it bounced back up with so much force it hit a member of the other team. Yeah…that was odd. I felt bad for that too.
As we were walking home, I spilled all of how I was feeling to Elva, who, although she and Gladys are in seventh with me, are on a different team and were playing while this happened. She said she thought Felicia was weird…and that she acts dumb sometimes. She told me I should’ve been like “Fuck you,” but I didn’t want to be so mean like that. Speaking of, yesterday was Elva’s fifteenth birthday, even though her quinceneara was last weekend. I still owe her that sketch of Synyster Gates…I started it but never really went to finish it.
When I got home, I kind of felt depressed, and started crying when I went to my room. I don’t know why people have that sort of effect on me, but I hate it sometimes. Sometimes I feel like it all gets burdened on me, I mean…why does everybody seem attracted to me when it comes to their problems? Why is it that little kids just love me? Why is it, even though I’m no longer the youngest in my entire family, they’re still worrying themselves about me, mollycoddling and sprinking affection all over me? It nearly feels surreal. Am I really this…this loved? Do I really mean this much to so many people? How come I seem to stand out so much from my family?
I know the world doesn’t exist for solely me, and that there are millions of other people in this world suffering, along with me and my pains, probably thinking the exact same things as I am at the moment, but I simply can’t empathize with them. Especially when I’m the only person in my age group in my family, who can’t identify with the older cousins but not young enough to hang around with the kids.
I pray I find my place soon, before I explode.
